Did you know that no two ears are alike.
Each person's ears are made up of a different pattern of folds, ridges and caverns, unique grooves and walls.
So I guess each person really does hear differently from the next person.

my favorite things to fall asleep to and wake up too

fall asleep:
- a carefully selected This American Life episode
- the sun on my face (there is actually a line in the novel Beloved about how the greatest privilage and best feeling in the world is to fall asleep with the sun on your face)
- reading
- my ceiling fan still chopping air on a hot night
- just turning to the wall my bed is up against and having it feel like I am turning into sleep
- stretching in bed while listening to records
-the dark outline of el Cordobes , the most handsome bullfighter in all of Spain whose picture is right above my bed, and the zodiac scarf that i tacked up to the roof
- fading away from music, the slow and natural diminishing my effort to listen
- one happy thought, something that i hope can make for a good dream


waking up:
-slowly moving sun
-the fifth round of my alarm, after i turn it off and decide that waking up might be mandatory
-having to pee a little bit (then going to the bathroom, and running back to bed just to lie down)
-the crackling sound that a record makes when the needle reaches the middle and your turn table has been running all night for you
-some of my favorite letters that were sent to me that are posted next to my bed
-a missed call from a friend
-a smile, right now its just my own so don't get any ideas

things i am realizing i love again

-stir fry
-shows about cake
-shoes that look uncomfortable
-the feeling of corduroy (i keep a scrap on me at all times now)
-chewing on toothpicks
-walking
-mental collages
-subtle nuansices on the english language
-the blunt force blow to all things decent that (most) american rap is
- bandannas and handkerchiefs
-the smell and feel of polyester
-walker evan's photos
-the painting "Two Fridas"
-late nights and late starts
-picking which tea i get to drink in the morning

just a quick list
the best thing is i was smiling every time a new good thing came to my mind

on the verge of moving back to chicago

there is a time that presents itself on the precipice of a movement.
the bigger the movement, the bigger the anticipatory apathy towards most things becomes. I shut down before I move, to save strength or some other natural adaptation my body has to protect me. either you over exert yourself or you never know where to begin. The decision is slowly becoming not whether to move or not to move, but how am I going to be affected by this damned process.

This is me saying that I am afraid. I am afraid of so many things, just in the coming months so many things, that it is a wonder that I have even packed. But then why does this fear exist? If I think of its root is is only because I dread the transition and the loneliness that comes with resettling. But I am resettling, whether I am fearful of it or not. There is a need that is deeper to discover in my own self what I want to do and where I want to be. I have made that decision, to leave and take a further step towards my independence (and away from general familiarity), long ago and when I couldn't fathom regret. Now I can feel it, regret palpitates on the end of each finger and makes the back of my eyeballs want to spin; and be it false senses of remorse, but I nurse these feeling like they were my children, almost like I want them to grow.

I am recentering myself and making my self able to learn more. Really nothing could be better for me. I need this new perspective, and so perhaps that is why I am afraid. I am afraid of a few uncomfortable moments alone and the possibility of awkward reintroductions into peoples lives. I am afraid of things going too well, so well as to warrant an imminent catastrophe, or not going well at all, which is almost worse than not enjoying the good times I have been given. I have no more time for regret, it has been squeezed from me as the vise of time closes to the unfailing date. I am going to wake up tomorrow and I am going to move. And damn it, it will be beautiful.

Patrick's throughts while buffering stainless steel decking

-these chemicals are bad for me, i will ask my bad about them. also it makes sense that they come from miami because must have to polish their art deco steel, and the lawn furniture
-its good to actually meet someone you were once afraid of. If you are like me, there are there are people that you have only seen, and from that point on convinced yourself that they dislike you. this summer i have made a point of introducing myself and repositioning my opinion of these people. generally i come to the realization that i was just chicken shit, and if i didnt meet them now i would limit myself with fear. sure these aqqatinces aren't life altering mind bending encounters with my cosmic duty, (yet), but i still think bravery and more fluid opinions of people are crucial.
-this repetitive motion may help me develop systems of efficiency.
-why buy something new when you can shine something old
-the sunshine is so good right now, i just want to lay about in old t-shirts and shorts

another quote

This is from one of my favorite movies, Hannah and her Sisters (Woody Allen). I remember I first saw it on TV over winter break. I was knitting and was fairly impressed with the depth of what, on the surface, appeared to be the run-of-the-mill romantic comedy. But when I heard the following lines, I had to put my knitting down and really take the whole scene in. Woody summed up the way I had been feeling about life, but was too scared to acknowledge (having been raised and educated as a Catholic). But as opposed to portraying agnosticism/atheism/nihilism in a negative light, Woody hints at how lucky we all are to have at least experienced something, whether or not it means anything.
"One day, about a month ago, I really hit bottom. You know, I just felt that, in a godless universe, I didn't want to go on living. Now, I happen to own this rifle, which I loaded, believe it or not, and pressed it to my forehead. And I remember thinking, 'I'm going to kill myself.' Then I thought, 'What if I'm wrong? What if there is a God? I mean, after all, nobody really knows that. But then I thought, you know, 'No! Maybe is not good enough. I want certainty or nothing.'....
....I started to feel, how can you even think of killing yourself? I mean, isn't it so stupid? I mean, look at all the people up on the [movie] screen, they're real funny, and what if the worst is true? What if there's no God and you only go around once and that's it? Well, you know, don't you wanna be a part of the experience? You know, what the hell, it's not all a drag. And I'm thinking to myself, 'Geez, I should stop ruining my life, searching for answers I'm never gonna get and just enjoy it while it lasts.' And, you know, after, who knows? You know, maybe there is something, nobody really knows. I know 'maybe' is a very slim reed to hang your whole life on, but that's the best we have. And then, I started to sit back, and I actually began to enjoy myself. "

relevant Jung quote

"Thunder is no longer the voice of an angry god, nor is lightning his avenging missile. No river contains a spirit, no tree is the life principle of a man, no snake the embodiment of wisdom, no mountain cave the home of a great demon. No voices now speak to man from stones, plants and animals, nor does he speak to them believing they can hear. His contact with nature has gone, and with it has gone the profound emotional energy that his symbolic connection supplied." -Carl Jung.
I have been on the whole theme of imagination, perspective and its direct influence on happiness and reality this whole summer. Here is a Jung quote that I read at the end of June that applies.