on the verge of moving back to chicago

there is a time that presents itself on the precipice of a movement.
the bigger the movement, the bigger the anticipatory apathy towards most things becomes. I shut down before I move, to save strength or some other natural adaptation my body has to protect me. either you over exert yourself or you never know where to begin. The decision is slowly becoming not whether to move or not to move, but how am I going to be affected by this damned process.

This is me saying that I am afraid. I am afraid of so many things, just in the coming months so many things, that it is a wonder that I have even packed. But then why does this fear exist? If I think of its root is is only because I dread the transition and the loneliness that comes with resettling. But I am resettling, whether I am fearful of it or not. There is a need that is deeper to discover in my own self what I want to do and where I want to be. I have made that decision, to leave and take a further step towards my independence (and away from general familiarity), long ago and when I couldn't fathom regret. Now I can feel it, regret palpitates on the end of each finger and makes the back of my eyeballs want to spin; and be it false senses of remorse, but I nurse these feeling like they were my children, almost like I want them to grow.

I am recentering myself and making my self able to learn more. Really nothing could be better for me. I need this new perspective, and so perhaps that is why I am afraid. I am afraid of a few uncomfortable moments alone and the possibility of awkward reintroductions into peoples lives. I am afraid of things going too well, so well as to warrant an imminent catastrophe, or not going well at all, which is almost worse than not enjoying the good times I have been given. I have no more time for regret, it has been squeezed from me as the vise of time closes to the unfailing date. I am going to wake up tomorrow and I am going to move. And damn it, it will be beautiful.

Patrick's throughts while buffering stainless steel decking

-these chemicals are bad for me, i will ask my bad about them. also it makes sense that they come from miami because must have to polish their art deco steel, and the lawn furniture
-its good to actually meet someone you were once afraid of. If you are like me, there are there are people that you have only seen, and from that point on convinced yourself that they dislike you. this summer i have made a point of introducing myself and repositioning my opinion of these people. generally i come to the realization that i was just chicken shit, and if i didnt meet them now i would limit myself with fear. sure these aqqatinces aren't life altering mind bending encounters with my cosmic duty, (yet), but i still think bravery and more fluid opinions of people are crucial.
-this repetitive motion may help me develop systems of efficiency.
-why buy something new when you can shine something old
-the sunshine is so good right now, i just want to lay about in old t-shirts and shorts

another quote

This is from one of my favorite movies, Hannah and her Sisters (Woody Allen). I remember I first saw it on TV over winter break. I was knitting and was fairly impressed with the depth of what, on the surface, appeared to be the run-of-the-mill romantic comedy. But when I heard the following lines, I had to put my knitting down and really take the whole scene in. Woody summed up the way I had been feeling about life, but was too scared to acknowledge (having been raised and educated as a Catholic). But as opposed to portraying agnosticism/atheism/nihilism in a negative light, Woody hints at how lucky we all are to have at least experienced something, whether or not it means anything.
"One day, about a month ago, I really hit bottom. You know, I just felt that, in a godless universe, I didn't want to go on living. Now, I happen to own this rifle, which I loaded, believe it or not, and pressed it to my forehead. And I remember thinking, 'I'm going to kill myself.' Then I thought, 'What if I'm wrong? What if there is a God? I mean, after all, nobody really knows that. But then I thought, you know, 'No! Maybe is not good enough. I want certainty or nothing.'....
....I started to feel, how can you even think of killing yourself? I mean, isn't it so stupid? I mean, look at all the people up on the [movie] screen, they're real funny, and what if the worst is true? What if there's no God and you only go around once and that's it? Well, you know, don't you wanna be a part of the experience? You know, what the hell, it's not all a drag. And I'm thinking to myself, 'Geez, I should stop ruining my life, searching for answers I'm never gonna get and just enjoy it while it lasts.' And, you know, after, who knows? You know, maybe there is something, nobody really knows. I know 'maybe' is a very slim reed to hang your whole life on, but that's the best we have. And then, I started to sit back, and I actually began to enjoy myself. "

relevant Jung quote

"Thunder is no longer the voice of an angry god, nor is lightning his avenging missile. No river contains a spirit, no tree is the life principle of a man, no snake the embodiment of wisdom, no mountain cave the home of a great demon. No voices now speak to man from stones, plants and animals, nor does he speak to them believing they can hear. His contact with nature has gone, and with it has gone the profound emotional energy that his symbolic connection supplied." -Carl Jung.
I have been on the whole theme of imagination, perspective and its direct influence on happiness and reality this whole summer. Here is a Jung quote that I read at the end of June that applies.

Sleep aides

When sleep eludes me, as it often does, i find it necessary to preform these "sleep aides", natural actions that require minimal movement and produce maximum calming effects

-reading (currently it is "The Handmaid's Tale, Eqqus, and sometimes a few poems by Oscar Wilde. I am one of those people who reads multiple books at once, i like it spicy, you can just read one)
-listening to This American Life (really TAL is good anytime, but i find Ira Glass' voice particularly suited for enveloping me with warmth, nostalgia, and journalistic integrity)
-Classical music on vinyl( and then when i wake up there is this gentle and repetitive scratching, but it isn't hostile, its familiar)
-quietly thinking about what good came of your day, you always find something

hot air balloon

I realized that by stepping back a few feet (or a few hundred feet) it is much easier to see the beauty in the world, in the patterns of the trees, in statue-esque cattle arranged like chess pieces, in the geometric patterns of concrete roads and steel train tracks. Patrick and I, the writers of the big blanket and best of friends, were carried into the air at sunrise by an eighty foot tall balloon filled with hot air attached to a basket (I laughed out loud as we left the ground for how simple the whole contraption is). Here are photos:

defining happiness

“The reason most people never reach their goals is that they don't define them, learn about them, or even seriously consider them as believable or achievable. Winners can tell you where they are going, what they plan to do along the way, and who will”
Denis Waitley

I usually shy away from defining myself, others and the world around me; doing so all too often creates this prison-like box, forcing your subject to act within it, according to the definition it's been given. Although most things, ideas and people are too complex to define completely and accurately, I think that exploring the characteristics of happiness, and defining them for yourself, make it something much more easily attainable. You know what you are up against, what you are striving for, and therefore you can take the steps necessary to reach it.
So what makes you happy? It can be completely different from the person sitting next to you. Is it something you can feel any day of the week, or something that you reward yourself with after hours and days of hard work? Is it something you feel when you take part in a certain activity or are around certain people?
I have defined my happiness as being grateful and aware of all that is going on around me. Taking hold of all of my senses and forcing myself to be completely in the moment. I can look at a given moment as lackluster, banal, the same thing I did last week. Or I can reexamine it and realize that I am surrounded by good people that make me feel like I am loved and also moving forward, and even though the warmth within me is subtle, at least I can feel it. Happiness does not have to be jump-for-joy ecstasy every time for it to be happiness. Why can't you define happiness as the absence of sadness? Like white is the absence of color. But sadness and happiness are all too often completely related and dependent on each other (which I will discuss in a later post), so that idea can only go so far.
What I am trying to get across to you is that you can transform the simplest, most ritual of moments and situations and sentences but putting yourself in that moment, situation and sentence. You can apathetically sit at the bus stop, waiting for your moment to stand up and pay your fare, or you can engage yourself and find happiness in your own thoughts, in gazing at the curls of your shoelaces, in thinking of the pure luck of the arrangement of your atoms to allow you to even question your own happiness.